Wednesday, April 23, 2008

The grim reality of it all......

Well, where do i start?

I have been on an incredible emotional and physical journey over the last couple of weeks and have fallen out at the other end a bit battered and numb from the experience, but i am OK.

The job hunting went well, with plenty of interviews and exciting prospects for the future, Terry and i travelled over 1750km to half the towns in the South Island for jobs and catching up with his friends too.

It was fun but quite intense at the same time, meeting new people and preparing for interviews and constantly travelling the country. It all came to a head one night after i had been sitting with a great group of Terrys friends having a wonderful meal and chatting. I had a huge wave of home sickness and missed all my friends and the comfortable feeling and the familiarity of home. Also waiting for calls on a couple of jobs that didn't come through and hearing that a good friend here was not well all compounded into an seemingly insurmountable challenge. I lost it in my head and didn't know what to do or how to sort anything out, my whole life became mixed up and confusing. On reflection, now that my head is clearer, depression had hit me hard and frighteningly fast.

I determinedly pushed forwards for a couple of days before it became far too much and i needed to lighten the load. In my anxious state i dropped everything, my search for work, my dreams of staying in New Zealand, most of my interest in day to day life and the thought of being in a relationship was too huge and i decided to leave it all and return to England.

Terry was brilliant, though i hated him for quite a while, which must have been very difficult for him. He made me face the situation and realise what was going on and encouraged me to get some help. I visited a great doctor who discussed my predicament calmly and efficiently and helped put my mind at ease hugely, the pills are also working a treat too. I was concerned about them to start with, but believe that until i get home, they are the best way of helping me through the day.

A week later, now that i have left Terry and Autumn Farm and travelled to Wellington, i am feeling in control of myself for the first time. I know that i must take it steady and not be too hard on myself. I shall be taking it one day at a time for a while, finding enjoyable things to do and see and making the most of my time here.

I am not going to make any big decisions to cut my journey short for the time being, just see how it goes and how i feel. My flights can be rearranged at a moments notice should i change my mind so that is not a bother.

Please please please dont worry about me now, it was all rather scary, but i am feeling much calmer, happier and in control of myself now. My trip has returned to the journey that it started out to be and i'm looking forward to moving on.

Mmmm Wellington, the windy city, though its hot and sunny today. The botanic gardens are just up the road and the huge national museum in the other direction if the weather changes later on. Then somewhere new to do some gardening in a few days i think.


joy said...

Hello my lovely. . well you have put yourself through the emotional wringer!! Glad you had the sense to get some support . . and you have had good people as well. problems are just things that need a solution . .although they themselves are not always clear. won't do my social worky thing on you . . . not fair when you are so far away. Just remember you are loved by your friends just for being you life is full of times of choosing paths of different choices . there are none that are right or wrong simply the choices we chose to make . if it feels right at the time of the choice then so we choose .. things evolve and change . .I'll now get off my philosophy kick . .love you loads . .saw your donation to Windy's charity on the justgiving website .. what do your comments mean??? that'll tantalise everyone else . .if they want to know they can on to Windy's bit and donate ha ha ha!! much much love and good vibes xxxjoy

samthegardener65 said...

The website Joy mentions is:

Go see what Windy is up to and give him all the help and support that you can.

I am doing much better than when i wrote the post and have a new HelpX host to go to tomorrow which i am looking forward too.

Thank you for your kind words and support they are much appreciated.

Much Love SAM xxx